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RE: Your thoughts on this teen issue - 3/4/2010 1:51:44 PM
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cynthia
Posts: 7751
Joined: 3/31/2005
From: Beautiful Puget Sound Region
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quote:
ORIGINAL: ppodmama
As to immediate cause and effect, not allowing my daughter water would be abuse. The goal was to withhold something she valued if she wasn't being responsible.
There is a difference between not allowing something and a person not taking responsiblity. If you tell her that she is to take water with her to school, then it's her responsibility to take it. If she doesn't then she has a natural consequence. She is 15yo and is certainly old enough to take care of that herself. I wouldn't give her money to buy water. It's not a punishment. It is not withholding anything from her. She is the one who is supposed to take water. If she didn't wash her bottle, she can run some soapy water through it, rinse it and re-fill it. Takes like two minutes. If she doesn't want to do that, then apparently she doesn't care about having water to drink.
I know who Dr. Lehman is and read his book, "Have a New Kid By Friday." I am pretty sure he says to let the kids know what their privleges and responsibilities are and if they do not carry out their responsibilities they don't have their privileges. Is your daughter aware that a hair cut is a privlege in your house that she does not get if she doesn't meet her responsibilities?
_____________________________
Often times the battle is the worst right before a breakthrough. In order to get us to give up, the devil wants us to think we are losing, when in fact we need to fight on to victory.
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RE: Your thoughts on this teen issue - 3/4/2010 1:52:40 PM
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Kath
Posts: 17754
Joined: 2/28/2005
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quote:
my parents will grt a laugh readin all your comments, considering how much they raised us to do....and I am glad they taught me how to work hard....
You ask for our opinions and then you ridicule them?
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RE: Your thoughts on this teen issue - 3/4/2010 1:52:58 PM
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ppodmama
Posts: 745
Joined: 10/31/2008
From: Midwest
Status: online
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taffy...absolutely LOL including not having to walk to and from school uphill both ways
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RE: Your thoughts on this teen issue - 3/4/2010 1:53:32 PM
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Taffy_
Posts: 2481
Joined: 12/13/2007
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quote:
ORIGINAL: ppodmama
taffy...absolutely LOL including not having to walk to and from school uphill both ways
you forgot backwards with no shoes!
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RE: Your thoughts on this teen issue - 3/4/2010 1:54:26 PM
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manda59
Posts: 7689
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
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quote:
ORIGINAL: ppodmama
yes there are bubblers, she will buy the water AND OF COURSE we PAY FOR IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So why not just make her pay you back for any water she buys?
I really really don't understand why you are making such a big deal of this, when there are actually far worse things she could be doing as a teen.
quote:
she's done this before...it's not new...she doesnt like milk, so she won't drink it.....
Is it a crime to not like milk??!
quote:
my parents will get a laugh readin all your comments, considering how much they raised us to do....and I am glad they taught me how to work hard....
I hope doing all that work didn't end up making you feel like you HAD to work hard in order to gain their approval. Did you have any time for your own childhood/teenhood, or was it all used up in working?
_____________________________
"Manda – I can often skip posting 'cause she's got it covered!", sen10tious, July 2010
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RE: Your thoughts on this teen issue - 3/4/2010 2:00:55 PM
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ppodmama
Posts: 745
Joined: 10/31/2008
From: Midwest
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@kath...I'm tyring to raise a responsible kid....ridicule is a bit of a stretch..everyone offered rejection of the cosequence and not much for alternative...I ca't imagine giving her car keys in 1.5 years if she cant bring water for herself
.I just think people who grew up during the depression would view responibility and having to wait for a $40 haircut as a denial of hygiene with a little different perspective
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RE: Your thoughts on this teen issue - 3/4/2010 2:03:38 PM
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Taffy_
Posts: 2481
Joined: 12/13/2007
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quote:
ORIGINAL: ppodmama
@kath...I'm tyring to raise a responsible kid....ridicule is a bit of a stretch..everyone offered rejection of the cosequence and not much for alternative...I ca't imagine giving her car keys in 1.5 years if she cant bring water for herself
.I just think people who grew up during the depression would view responibility and having to wait for a $40 haircut as a denial of hygiene with a little different perspective
I say give her the option of canceling the appointment or doing extra chores to make up for it.
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RE: Your thoughts on this teen issue - 3/4/2010 2:04:22 PM
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FunBetty
Posts: 5000
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Land o Cheesecake and Pizza
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: ppodmama
@kath...I'm tyring to raise a responsible kid....ridicule is a bit of a stretch..everyone offered rejection of the cosequence and not much for alternative...I ca't imagine giving her car keys in 1.5 years if she cant bring water for herself
.I just think people who grew up during the depression would view responibility and having to wait for a $40 haircut as a denial of hygiene with a little different perspective
You asked for our thoughts, and no one gave you the answers you were looking for. We HAVE given alternatives, but nothing that would satisfy your justification of withholding a $40 haircut for a $3.60 loss in water.
And I agree with Tinkerbell - going without water for six hours should be a reasonable punishment. There are (we're assuming) water fountains and milk if she is truly dehydrated.
_____________________________
My PFY
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RE: Your thoughts on this teen issue - 3/4/2010 2:04:27 PM
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ppodmama
Posts: 745
Joined: 10/31/2008
From: Midwest
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@ Manda quote:
Did you have any time for your own childhood/teenhood, or was it all used up in working?
yes I did...I learned how to do my work first, efficiently and still had plenty of free time for some fun
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RE: Your thoughts on this teen issue - 3/4/2010 2:12:01 PM
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ppodmama
Posts: 745
Joined: 10/31/2008
From: Midwest
Status: online
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@ cynthiaquote:
Is your daughter aware that a hair cut is a privlege in your house that she does not get if she doesn't meet her responsibilities
yes
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RE: Your thoughts on this teen issue - 3/4/2010 2:29:10 PM
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cynthia
Posts: 7751
Joined: 3/31/2005
From: Beautiful Puget Sound Region
Status: online
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Things like hair cuts can vary from family to family. Personally, we consider hair cuts to be part of what we do for our kids, but I can see how another family might view it differently.
I'm wondering if this young woman feels like the things she does are of value. My kids have chores, but we explain to them that it is their job to take care of their home. Since we all live here, we all have chores we do as part of living here and caring for our home. This is something I have tried to instill since they were little. I wonder if she understands that all of this is part of her learning how to take proper care of herself. I want my children to understand that the reason behind why I do things is for their benefit and the benfit of the family as a whole. What is good for one of us has to also not cause harm to anyone else. We are a unit and should all work for the good of the family and each other. Perhaps your daughter hasn't gotten that into her soul and needs some help in learning it.
It is very imporant to touch the heart of a child, so truth becomes a part of her. If one doesn't believe something, she isn't going to be motivated to do it. If she doesn't see the benefit of what she is being asked to do, she is unlikely to have much motivation to do it. I find that this comes more naturally to some personalities than others. My two older children understand this easily. My youngest, who is a son, struggles with this and is much harder to reach at a heart level. In fact we had a heart to heart talk this morning about what it takes to succeed in life and what God's word has to say about it.
_____________________________
Often times the battle is the worst right before a breakthrough. In order to get us to give up, the devil wants us to think we are losing, when in fact we need to fight on to victory.
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RE: Your thoughts on this teen issue - 3/4/2010 2:46:30 PM
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manda59
Posts: 7689
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: ppodmama
@kath...I'm tyring to raise a responsible kid....ridicule is a bit of a stretch..everyone offered rejection of the cosequence and not much for alternative...I ca't imagine giving her car keys in 1.5 years if she cant bring water for herself
Well don't then! There is no obligation to. You could make her save up for her own driving lessons and car. That's what we did with our son (20), and will do with our daughter (16). (In the UK you can't drive until you are 17).
Besides, it wasn't so much the consequence that posters here were "rejecting", it was the MANNER of doing it (leaving it until the last minute to tell her - which to me shouts "just look how powerfully spiteful we can be in order to make you behave as we want you to").
_____________________________
"Manda – I can often skip posting 'cause she's got it covered!", sen10tious, July 2010
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RE: Your thoughts on this teen issue - 3/4/2010 2:56:24 PM
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stampinlady
Posts: 3121
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: Northern IL
Status: offline
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quote:
It is very imporant to touch the heart of a child, so truth becomes a part of her. If one doesn't believe something, she isn't going to be motivated to do it. If she doesn't see the benefit of what she is being asked to do, she is unlikely to have much motivation to do it. I find that this comes more naturally to some personalities than others. My two older children understand this easily. My youngest, who is a son, struggles with this and is much harder to reach at a heart level. In fact we had a heart to heart talk this morning about what it takes to succeed in life and what God's word has to say about it.
This is excellent advice.
_____________________________
Deb
There is no "cosmic dog whislte. It's gonna be loud folks !!!
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RE: Your thoughts on this teen issue - 3/4/2010 3:00:16 PM
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kohls356
Posts: 710
Joined: 8/22/2007
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I like Dr. Leman, have read most of his books and I like how he presents things. Since you read his books or listen to his programs I think you should maybe read a little closer or listen better. He really believes in natural consequenses and in this case that would be your daughter going without water the days she forgot. If she goes a few days without water and realizes how thirsty she gets then she will remember to fill up the bottles and take them to school with her. I don't think witholding a hair cut has anything to do with forgetting to take water. She is almost 15 and she will be ok if she doesn't have her water bottle. I am sure there are fountains somewhere in the school.
As far as the list of what she does I don't think she does too much. The only thing I wouldn't have her do would be laundry. I don't know if you work outside the home but if you do then I don't think helping at times with the laundry is bad. But if you are home during the day, like I am, then I don't expect my kids to do the laundry or any other big household chores.
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RE: Your thoughts on this teen issue - 3/4/2010 3:02:51 PM
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manda59
Posts: 7689
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
Status: offline
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ppodmama
Maybe you didn't see this question of mine?
quote:
ORIGINAL: manda59
So why not just make her pay you back for any water she buys?
And btw, what is a student card?
_____________________________
"Manda – I can often skip posting 'cause she's got it covered!", sen10tious, July 2010
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RE: Your thoughts on this teen issue - 3/4/2010 3:06:24 PM
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ppodmama
Posts: 745
Joined: 10/31/2008
From: Midwest
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@Cynthia...I agree it is a heart issue totally. She only takes care of what will affect her IF she cares about it.
@Kohls356, she doesn't like to drink anything and never has, water, milk whatever. She used to not drink and then get sick from it when she was much younger, but she was homeschooled, so I knew if she was drinking or not. This is a greater issue now, because this semester she has phy ed and I have concerns, which I have addressed with her, in quiet-sit-down-it's-a-health-concern-honey kind of way, to no avail.
And as for the laundry, she asked to switch to doing that because she was tired of loading and then putting away clean dishes in the dishwasher, so we honored her request.
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RE: Your thoughts on this teen issue - 3/4/2010 3:08:35 PM
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ppodmama
Posts: 745
Joined: 10/31/2008
From: Midwest
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@Manda, we withdrew her getting an allowance when she was skipping buying lunch to buy her phone and gave her phone minutes instead. (i posted more on this in a different post)
A student card is the electronic i.d. card the kids have to use for just about every aspct of their schooling, including paying for lunch.
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RE: Your thoughts on this teen issue - 3/4/2010 3:11:42 PM
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manda59
Posts: 7689
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
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quote:
ORIGINAL: ppodmama
@Cynthia...I agree it is a heart issue totally. She only takes care of what will affect her IF she cares about it.
Like a typical teen, you mean?
quote:
@Kohls356, she doesn't like to drink anything and never has, water, milk whatever. She used to not drink and then get sick from it when she was much younger, but she was homeschooled, so I knew if she was drinking or not. This is a greater issue now, because this semester she has phy ed and I have concerns, which I have addressed with her, in quiet-sit-down-it's-a-health-concern-honey kind of way, to no avail.
Well, presumably you can check that she has a drink with her breakfast, and that she drinks when she comes in from school, and during the evening, so it's IMO not necessarily a major deal if she does not drink at school.
What is it that she does not like about drinking? Is it possible that she is trying to avoid needing to go to the bathroom for some reason?
Do you know for sure that she bought water at school? Is it possible that she didn't, that she just said she did to make you think she'd had something to drink, when perhaps she didn't?
_____________________________
"Manda – I can often skip posting 'cause she's got it covered!", sen10tious, July 2010
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RE: Your thoughts on this teen issue - 3/4/2010 3:12:58 PM
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manda59
Posts: 7689
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: ppodmama
@Manda, we withdrew her getting an allowance when she was skipping buying lunch to buy her phone and gave her phone minutes instead. (i posted more on this in a different post)
Yes you did, but you also said she does other chores (eg watching her brother) to earn money, and presumably she gets birthday and Christmas money, so she must surely have funds of her own.
_____________________________
"Manda – I can often skip posting 'cause she's got it covered!", sen10tious, July 2010
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RE: Your thoughts on this teen issue - 3/4/2010 3:17:19 PM
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macokjc
Posts: 496
Joined: 2/24/2008
Status: online
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quote:
Okay, our daughter doesn't pay for her lunch out of her allowance. At one point we did have her do that, BUT, it was when she wanted a $100 cell phone, so we bumped up her allowance to cover her lunch and then discretionary $ so she was learning what it was like for us to have to take care of necessities and save up for the phone. What she did instead, was skip lunch and come home and eat like a machine until she got her phone.
Couple of things
1. I don't think it's too severe of a punishment. When I was 14 - I paid for a lot of things by myself with money that I had earned. If she wants her hair cut next week - you can cut it for her. Letting it go a week or two is not going to kill her.
2. If my kids want to buy lunch at school, then they do it with their own money. I provide food for them - if they don't like it or are too lazy to make their own lunch, then they can buy lunch themselves. It is not that I am not providing food for them, but they choose to not eat it.
3. Her chores are not unreasonable. In fact, it's good life-training. Balance is the key. You don't expect her to do ALL the housework while you sit and eat chocolate and read books. Children need to learn that work is not a dirty 4-letter word, and when they don't meet their responsibilities, sad things happen. My 1 year old helped me unload the dishwasher -that's right - he is 1, and he handed me the plates.
4. Life is choices, choices have consequences, make the right choices. Personally, I think it is good to have a set crime=punishment. If you do "this", then "THIS" will be your punishment. I know that some parents even write them down. If she is slacking more and more on her chores, that might be your best bet, so there is no misunderstanding.
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RE: Your thoughts on this teen issue - 3/4/2010 3:20:25 PM
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macokjc
Posts: 496
Joined: 2/24/2008
Status: online
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quote:
I just think people who grew up during the depression would view responibility and having to wait for a $40 haircut as a denial of hygiene with a little different perspective
$40 for a haircut!!! WOW! I don't think I have ever paid over $30 for a haircut. I definitely wouldn't spend that on my 14 year old. I have 3 girls and could never afford that. Even if I could, there's got to be a cheaper alternative.
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RE: Your thoughts on this teen issue - 3/4/2010 3:32:14 PM
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kohls356
Posts: 710
Joined: 8/22/2007
Status: offline
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I really don't know what to tell you then on the water. How do you know that when she takes it she is even drinking it? Maybe you could just drop the water thing for a little while and see what she does. It may be a small thing but she might just be thinking that there are some things she wants to have some control over and this is such a small thing in the end that you could try it for a little while. Most of the time when in school kids aren't drinking during the day anyway except during lunch and if time maybe once between classes. If you really think she isn't drinking enough then you could keep an eye on it while she is home. And I know it is hard for parents to understand what it is like to be a teen again but maybe it just isn't cool to take a water bottle to school with you in high school.
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Let freedom ring...let the whole world sing...it's independence day!!!! 
We pay for both kids hair and told dd that if she wanted anything extra, like coloring, she'd have to come up with the $$. 
