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RE: Single And Not Looking - 4/20/2008 1:51:09 PM
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WhiteRoseBlessings
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That wasn't a slam (hence the smiley at the end of the post).
As you were offering your opinion in the setting of an allegory, so I was offering mine, following the example you laid out before us.
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RE: Single And Not Looking - 4/20/2008 2:43:49 PM
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trinigirl722
Posts: 362
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From: Dallas, TX
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quote:
ORIGINAL: TomTurn
I am driving and as drive I want to listen to one radio station and only that one will do, yet so far am only getting static or the wrong one. But my trip is not on hold, I continue down the road for the destination and continue to turn the dial looking for that one station to be on the ride with me.
Good analogy, but it took me a minute to get this. At first I though, "He's DRIVING while he's typing an e-mail!!!!?????? Eeeek!!!!"  
quote:
I am learning so much from the two of you this morning.
I am too! (Except it's now afternoon.  ) This is such a great reminder to me to be CONTENT as a single. Unfortunately, I realize I've given in to society's pressure to be "looking," when the truth is that I'm quite happy with my life as it is now. What a waste of my time and energy to be pining away for something I don't have. There are so many dreams God has given me; I need to spend my time and energy pursuing those instead.
quote:
The closest that I ever got to marriage was having roommates living as a community. Now, this is different from just having regular roommates as you live with the idea that you will be sharing, cooking meals, sharing all of your food in common, cleaning, etc. I was in my 20's and my roomies in my late 30's. I did not know what I was getting myself into and it failed with me miserably! I guess that says something about me, huh?
I don't think that necessarily says much about your readiness for marriage, Mike. I lived in a similar situation once, and it was horrendous mainly because one of the roommates was a "taker" and not a "giver." So it caused a lot of friction, and I hated it. However, I've lived with other roommates where we shared cleaning duties, and they were a joy to live with, and we are still great friends. So I don't think that one roommate experience is necessarily a good barometer of how one would do in marriage. Although I've never been married, it seems to me that because it's a marriage there would be more motivation to make the arrangement work.
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RE: Single And Not Looking - 4/20/2008 3:07:20 PM
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TomTurn
Posts: 758
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Let me try and clear this up.
"I am driving and as drive I want to listen to one radio station and only that one will do" (I am on a journey, it is called my life but I want to share it with a right woman for me, only she will do.), "
yet so far am only getting static or the wrong one" (but as much as I desire to find her, have not met her yet. Yes I know I am 50).
"But my trip is not on hold" (I continue to live),
"I continue down the road for the destination" (I continue to serve God till my death, I run the race)
"and continue to turn the dial looking for that one station to be on the ride with me." (as a man, the one who has been given the role of persues and leads, I continue to look for her, even though I am 50)
.....
If the Church cannot respect that, I have no use for the Church
Pardon for taking this too far off the first post of "I am single and not really looking for a relationship right now. I am almost 39, no kids, and never been married. My question is does this raise a red flag with women? For various reasons I have remained single, and although I believe that I would be a good catch, I am declining at this time. I was just wondering what you all your thoughts are on this?"
< Message edited by TomTurn -- 4/20/2008 3:46:24 PM >
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RE: Single And Not Looking - 4/20/2008 3:43:50 PM
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A-Tech
Posts: 66
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From: Illinois
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I don't really have anything else here to add here except that I'm 30 and right now, I'm not desiring to be married, but I think that might change someday. The only thing is that I've become set in my ways and I'm not sure that I could adjust into compromise and sharing after all this time of being single.
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RE: Single And Not Looking - 4/20/2008 7:38:38 PM
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humbleinspirit
Posts: 15110
Joined: 4/13/2005
From: Just Outside of Boston
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Ok, I am starting to get just a little bit dizzy here, observing the conversation, seeing some stuff go over my head regarding some of the discussion here, but anyway thats just me.
quote:
If it helps Tom and Humble, it's not just always-single men I look at with caution. I now look at ALL men with caution. Even those whom I know or have known for years. You never know what's lurking under the surface.
I respect your cautiousness.
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I don't think that necessarily says much about your readiness for marriage, Mike. I lived in a similar situation once, and it was horrendous mainly because one of the roommates was a "taker" and not a "giver." So it caused a lot of friction, and I hated it. However, I've lived with other roommates where we shared cleaning duties, and they were a joy to live with, and we are still great friends. So I don't think that one roommate experience is necessarily a good barometer of how one would do in marriage. Although I've never been married, it seems to me that because it's a marriage there would be more motivation to make the arrangement work.
Thanks Trini, now this can be a whole another discussion! Ok, I am gonna read all the postings again since last evening and see if anything else strikes out at me that I want to add to at all.
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RE: Single And Not Looking - 4/20/2008 7:43:17 PM
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humbleinspirit
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quote:
ORIGINAL: BugLady
My advice, humble, consider it none of your business what others may think of you. In my opinion, worrying about these types of issues only serves as a distraction from what's really important.... following the Lord's lead for your life. It only takes one (the right one) to think rightly of you.
Thanks Buglady! I heard something on the web very recently where the man talking said that if you care what oppinions others have of you, that those people will control you! It was something like that anyway, it really got me thinking.
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*sigh* And I'm personally tired of hearing the question - "Why is it that a woman like you has never married?" as if there's a problem with me. How about the fact that I've also never been divorced? Don't get me wrong. I'm not disparaging those who've endured the pain of divorce, but cut a never married sister or brother a little slack, would ya?
I have had a couple of women (online) who I perceived after asking me why I was never married thinking that maybe there was something wrong with me. It felt unnerving to say the least! 
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RE: Single And Not Looking - 4/20/2008 7:58:56 PM
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humbleinspirit
Posts: 15110
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quote:
ORIGINAL: collie1
So you are saying you wouldn't marry someone for the sake of being married, I think i am beginning to understand what Mike and Tom are saying.
Yes Colleen, something like that.
Nadine, I after re-reading some of your postings, I am very sorry that stuff happened to you! You have a right to be cautious!
quote:
I need some clarification. The title of this thread is "Single and Not Looking". But how do you define "not looking"? Because if you WANT to get married someday but just haven't found the right person, then in my mind you're "looking". Mike and Tom seem to be stating that they do want to marry someday but they are not "looking"...so I'm confused.
Ok, a moment of truth here, I am not sure what I am looking for? I am content on being single, but would like a life partner someday. However, I am quite content with just having women friends if I can see them all as sisters and have community with both men and women on a general scale as well.
My life has been in a bit of a long incubating period, and I feel now that things in my life are just beginning to finally change, and for the better! I am waiting to see what God will do in my life, as a single and if a relationship/marriage ever does present itself, then I am all for it!
I do want to stress though, that I am very much aware that marriage is a serious commitment and takes a lot of work! Some say 100% commitment, however it might be more of a 150%-200% commitment instead! So to make a long story short, I will only commit to marriage if I am sure God has His blessing on it.
BTW, I am only at the bottom of page 2 of re-reading this thread now. I still have to see if there is anything to add on page 3 or if there has been any replies since my last posting as well.
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RE: Single And Not Looking - 4/20/2008 8:03:27 PM
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humbleinspirit
Posts: 15110
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From: Just Outside of Boston
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quote:
ORIGINAL: trinigirl722
quote:
ORIGINAL: TomTurn
I am driving and as drive I want to listen to one radio station and only that one will do, yet so far am only getting static or the wrong one. But my trip is not on hold, I continue down the road for the destination and continue to turn the dial looking for that one station to be on the ride with me.
Good analogy, but it took me a minute to get this. At first I though, "He's DRIVING while he's typing an e-mail!!!!?????? Eeeek!!!!"
Now some people do infact do that! 
Ok, I am stepping down from my soapbox now. No one has replied to the other posts that I have made, so I will remain silent until another person posts.
Oh btw, I know a lot of men my age who are both married and one's who are single as well. I do not give much thought to it at all.
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RE: Single And Not Looking - 4/20/2008 11:52:48 PM
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ladioffaith
Posts: 2787
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From: NE Ohio (L.A. . . Lower Akron)
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Hey Mike,
Couple things that caught my eye as I caught up on this thread ....
First of all, living with roomates is NOT the same thing as living with a spouse. I would not marry someone with my current roomate's issues and quirks if you paid me! No way could I live with someone who was that opinionated, judgemental or a neat freak. But we can live together OK because it is MY house and MY business how it is run. With a spouse, I'd have to work things out and compromise ... but I'd also have to know his quirks and stuff before we married.
ALSO ... read the scriptures where Paul was talking about it being better to be single. I've heard a study about how the "present times" referred to basically being in a state of war. So I think he was just encouraging people to not be in a hurry to marry for the sake of being married!
Oh ... and I can pretty much count on one hand the number of family members I have who have not been divorced. Maybe that's why they don't bug me so much!
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The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with
his love, he will rejoice over you with singing." Zeph. 3:17
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RE: Single And Not Looking - 4/21/2008 12:01:47 AM
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humbleinspirit
Posts: 15110
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From: Just Outside of Boston
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Thanks Di! The only thing about the roommate thing is that it was my first real test of whether I could live with/and tollerate other people's idiosyscroncies, etc. Granted I did not know these people very well before moving in, and only moved in after praying thing that it was more God's will than not. It was a very big struggle for me for the 8 months that I was there, and finally had to leave. Now whether I should have or not is a different matter. I do know this much, I'd much rather remain single than get married only to be later divorced as well.
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RE: Single And Not Looking - 4/21/2008 8:02:19 AM
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.Pammy
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From: Mechanicsburg, PA, USA
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I may have missed it, but I think so far I might be the only one here who truly fits to the letter the title of this thread. I'm single and SO not looking. I don't want to get married (again). There, that may be the difference between me and most people here. I was married for 15 years, and have been divorced now for 20. I'm extremely happy in my single state and really want to live the rest of my life that way.
Having said that, of course, if God has other plans, I won't resist that. And it doesn't mean I don't appreciate the view, either!
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RE: Single And Not Looking - 4/21/2008 9:33:06 AM
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WaitingforBoaz
Posts: 3180
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quote:
ORIGINAL: humbleinspirit
Thanks Di! The only thing about the roommate thing is that it was my first real test of whether I could live with/and tollerate other people's idiosyscroncies, etc. Granted I did not know these people very well before moving in, and only moved in after praying thing that it was more God's will than not. It was a very big struggle for me for the 8 months that I was there, and finally had to leave. Now whether I should have or not is a different matter. I do know this much, I'd much rather remain single than get married only to be later divorced as well.
I agree with Di, Mike. You have to remember if you do end up getting married, hopefully it will be with someone you adore and desire to love as yourself. So yes, there would be a time of getting used to each other but, there would (hopefully)be a great motivation to do so.
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"It's like everything good collided today" quote from my 8yr old daughter
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RE: Single And Not Looking - 4/21/2008 10:15:56 AM
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rgod
Posts: 413
Joined: 4/25/2005
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quote:
Ok, a moment of truth here, I am not sure what I am looking for? I am content on being single, but would like a life partner someday. However, I am quite content with just having women friends if I can see them all as sisters and have community with both men and women on a general scale as well.
My life has been in a bit of a long incubating period, and I feel now that things in my life are just beginning to finally change, and for the better! I am waiting to see what God will do in my life, as a single and if a relationship/marriage ever does present itself, then I am all for it!
Thanks for the clarification! I revise my previous post on this topic then. I think that if you mentioned this to me, I would simply think that while God has given you the desire to be married, He hasn't prompted you to be active in your pursuit of it. Actually then it is very honorable. There are lots of men who don't want to be married, but will date women and get into long-term relationships when they have no intention of getting married - simply because they enjoy the company of women and that intimate kind of dynamic (I'm talking about emotional intimacy) that seems to occur so easily between men and women. This question also revealed something about my thought patterns to me. I realized that as a single 30-something woman, I felt annoyed at men who approached mate selection the way that you do because I thought men like you were passive or not taking up their role as the initiator. It was a hidden assumption that didn't rise to the surface until I really thought about it. I can see now, that I've been employing a double standard because I don't apply this to women. I feel ashamed that I judged my brothers that way because they were simply following the Lord and His timing. So, I am really glad for this thread because now it has revealed something in my heart that should not have been there. It has also given me a greater compassion for my single brothers in Christ, who want to honor God even in the face of a culture and society that tells them that they must act differently. Women are honored for behaving in this way - although people definitely look at us as being odd, but for men it is a different kind of struggle.
I think that there are some in the church community who can sometimes not want to accept you because you don't fit a certain "image" or "ideal." That happens to a lot of people. While some hold negative views, there are many who view strong single Christian brothers like you in a highly positive light. I've heard more than one young male Christian talk about a single older Christian as being a good godly example. There is something about a godly older single man, who doesn't compromise, that is extraordinarily impactful to many people. I don't know you, but I guess that I am concerned that when you interact with others in the church that you'll think "they think I have issues, am selfish, deficient" and that will color the way that you deal with them - when by your character and demeanor, they may be thinking anything but that. They might be looking at you and thinking "wow, I wish I had been like this when I was single" or "wow, he's really committed to the Lord." I know that for myself, it took a couple of guys (one single and one married) who spoke to me privately to tell me that they admired my commitment and thought very highly of me to kind of help me to see that not everyone saw being single as a stigma. Also, I will share with you, that there are many single Christian women, particularly those who have not been married, who would consider someone like you a prize. So when the Lord whispers in your heart - "she is the one" - or if he prompts you at sometime to start looking - whether it be 40, 45, 50, or beyond - she will be very happy that you waited for her. You not being married before will be a very good thing to that woman.
rgod
< Message edited by rgod -- 4/21/2008 9:48:36 PM >
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RE: Single And Not Looking - 4/21/2008 2:18:33 PM
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lpt
Posts: 157
Joined: 6/8/2006
From: Colorado Springs
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quote:
ORIGINAL: humbleinspirit
I agree Colleen, that is one of the reasons why I do not want to be in a relationship right now, because I like making my own decisions.
Sounds like a biblically defensible reason to me.
/s
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RE: Single And Not Looking - 4/21/2008 2:31:48 PM
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ps130
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Hey, I am new here and saw this thread... I have to admit, I would like to have a boyfriend, but most days I enjoy being single. I mean, there is so much I would love to do before meeting someone, especially if he is THE one. I would like to go to school, maybe start my own business, am I the only one that feels this way?
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Jesus is my passion, writing & photography is my art, and the Holy Spirit is my inspiration.
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RE: Single And Not Looking - 4/21/2008 7:15:17 PM
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jlp1
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From: Chicago
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quote:
I didn't have an incredible desire for marriage until the right person came along. So, I guess it's bad to have more of a desire for marriage than for the right person? and I guess your main desire is the relationship you have with God. "Focus on the Kindom of God and all else will follow." And as far as being selfish, that all goes away when you fall in love, you would be willing to share all you have with that person and not only that you would welcome it.
< Message edited by jlp1 -- 4/21/2008 7:28:06 PM >
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RE: Single And Not Looking - 4/21/2008 7:20:21 PM
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WhiteRoseBlessings
Posts: 26602
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I wouldn't necessarily say "bad" . . . some people are very highly motivated to get married; some people are not.
For me personally, I don't understand the motivation to get married, just for the sake of getting married.
I did very much understand wanting to marry CS because I knew I loved him; but he was never on any kind of a radar or any type of a "potential spouse" list (whether such list is literal or figurative).
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RE: Single And Not Looking - 4/21/2008 7:22:55 PM
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landabee
Posts: 3157
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From: Central Florida
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For me........ being single and not looking was a season. It served a very profound benefit. My focus was realigned. Also, I had some heavy duty healing and restoration that needed to occur.
I was a mess........ and marrying in that state would have brought mess into another person's life.
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"God wants spiritual fruit, not religious nuts."~Unknown
"Sound theology discourages ignorance instead of promoting it. " ~ CourdeLeon
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RE: Single And Not Looking - 4/21/2008 7:46:04 PM
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jlp1
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From: Chicago
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Not that marriage is my main focus I think a meaningful, God fearing, evenly yoked relationship to start would be nice but I think it's easier for someone who's married to say "I was not looking they just fell in my lap" (No offence to anyone who is married and it did happen that way for them). Its sound great and hopeful but it's just not how it goes, it would not be a need for these single forums or any other type of interaction of any kind if single people were not wondering, when it will happen for me. To look and to compare, well not so much as compare but to dream about how will it happen for me. Make sure that you are doing things in the "correct" or "similar" order in hope of finding your "Mr. or Mrs. Right for you". Humbleinspirit you really need to look at if you really want to be married because it sounds like you do. It sounds like you are just a little afraid of letting your guard down and letting someone penetrate that inner little boy who holds on to singlehood like a security blank. 
< Message edited by jlp1 -- 4/21/2008 11:28:45 PM >
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RE: Single And Not Looking - 4/21/2008 7:49:55 PM
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landabee
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From: Central Florida
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*gasp*
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"God wants spiritual fruit, not religious nuts."~Unknown
"Sound theology discourages ignorance instead of promoting it. " ~ CourdeLeon
Love On A Plate
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RE: Single And Not Looking - 4/21/2008 9:07:33 PM
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humbleinspirit
Posts: 15110
Joined: 4/13/2005
From: Just Outside of Boston
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quote:
Thanks for the clarification! I revise my previous post on this topic then. I think that if you mentioned this to me, I would simply think that while God has given you the desire to be married, He hasn't prompted you to be active in your pursuit of it. Actually then it is very honorable. There are lots of men who don't want to be married, but will date women and get into long-term relationships when they have no intention of getting married - simply because they enjoy the company of women and that intimate kind of dynamic (I'm talking about emotional intimacy) that seems to occur so easily between men and women.
Yes, very true! I have no desire to just casually date long term without getting married, like the world does. Sure, dating can be fun if casual (not that I really have much experience in this at all) however, I have no desire to be one of those men who does what you mentioned above. If I am long-term, then marriage has to be the ultimate end.
quote:
My relationship with God is the ULTIMATE platform for personal and spiritual growth. And I think that Mike's decision to work prayerfully work on himself, without possibly impacting another person's emotions is honorable.
Now that is it in a nutshell!
quote:
Humbleinspirit you really need to look at if you really want to be married because it sounds like you do. It sounds like you are just a little afraid of letting your guard down and letting someone penetrate that inner little boy who holds on to singlehood like a security blank
Hi JLP, and welcome to forums! There are a few reasons for wanting to remain single at this time, my own independence being one of them. 
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RE: Single And Not Looking - 4/21/2008 9:29:37 PM
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TomTurn
Posts: 758
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quote:
For me personally, I don't understand the motivation to get married, just for the sake of getting married.
And do not confuse an active serach, for a desire to get married just for the sake of getting married. Most Believers my age and younger/older who have never married had chances to just get married.
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