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Single And Not Looking - 4/19/2008 1:57:38 AM
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humbleinspirit
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I am single and not really looking for a relationship right now. I am almost 39, no kids, and never been married. My question is does this raise a red flag with women? For various reasons I have remained single, and although I believe that I would be a good catch, I am declining at this time. I was just wondering what you all your thoughts are on this?
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RE: Single And Not Looking - 4/19/2008 6:47:12 AM
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mutinywxgirl
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God has to put the desire for marriage into our hearts - and it has to be the right desire - to glorify Him through a marriage. It has only been in the past few years that I have honestly thought about it, and the fact that it could be a possibility is nearly overwhelming to me. I'm 47. He's 50. Neither one of us has been married. IF God allows this to happen, it's only because we have both put His will before our own and allowed Him to work in us all this time. Prior to recently, I could have cared less about marriage. In fact, it scared me - the thought of being THAT vulnerable to anyone. But, God has and continues to do healing in me that is finally allowing me to see the person others have seen all these years. It's been an interesting journey.
Whether it's a red flag or not, I can't say. Only God knows our hearts, and if the desire isn't there yet, then declining is the right thing to do - because otherwise it can lead to many hurt feelings.
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RE: Single And Not Looking - 4/19/2008 8:09:37 AM
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ShallbeRebuilt
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Mike;
From my own experience, I would have to say that yes...for me and because of what I've been through and witnessed, I would definitely have my creep antenna up if I were around you and knew these facts.
That doesn't mean that I would immediately turn away from you as a possible relationship (if I were in your demographic) but I would watch you like a hawk.
I have had too many never-married guys turn out to be immature, selfish and even worse, perverts--so I don't naturally accept them at face value any more.
Like I said, it's not your fault. Sin is just rampant. I only explain all this to answer your question "does it raise a red flag". It's not a red flag...not automatic stop. More like a wildly waving yellow caution flag.
besiderself
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RE: Single And Not Looking - 4/19/2008 8:53:26 AM
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Cute-N-Sassy
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Mike, what do you mean by red flag? If we are in a relationship, we're looking for those yellow and red flags, but if you're not looking for a relationship, then why worry about red flags?
If I were interested in a guy and he said he's not interested in a relationship, then I'd be more inclined to just be really good friends. There's not all this nervous energy wondering "does he like me? does he see this as a red flag."
Also, I think it's natural for some of us to settle into single life after a while. I'm 38 and pretty content with who I am as a single person. Doesn't mean that if a potential for a relationship came available I would decline it, but on the other hand, I'm not actively seeking a relationship as if my time is running out, either. It's a happy medium. Do you think you might fall into this category as well?
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RE: Single And Not Looking - 4/19/2008 9:22:05 AM
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TomTurn
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quote:
From my own experience, I would have to say that yes...for me and because of what I've been through and witnessed, I would definitely have my creep antenna up if I were around you and knew these facts.
That doesn't mean that I would immediately turn away from you as a possible relationship (if I were in your demographic) but I would watch you like a hawk.
I have had too many never-married guys turn out to be immature, selfish and even worse, perverts--so I don't naturally accept them at face value any more.
Reminds me of a cartoon I saw once. A woman is looking at a guy and saying "never been married, what's wrong with you? I've been married 3 times"
TomTurn, 50 in a few weeks and never been married.
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RE: Single And Not Looking - 4/19/2008 9:43:17 AM
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jlp1
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Uhm, honestly yes, because you dont run into to many man like that, I kinda would look as to why? but it would not scare me. Some people are different than most people in this world (real christian), and have standards. I have been single for a while, by choice and it's because of Godly reasons and I am asked why all the time.
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RE: Single And Not Looking - 4/19/2008 10:11:42 AM
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ShallbeRebuilt
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quote:
ORIGINAL: TomTurn
quote:
From my own experience, I would have to say that yes...for me and because of what I've been through and witnessed, I would definitely have my creep antenna up if I were around you and knew these facts.
That doesn't mean that I would immediately turn away from you as a possible relationship (if I were in your demographic) but I would watch you like a hawk.
I have had too many never-married guys turn out to be immature, selfish and even worse, perverts--so I don't naturally accept them at face value any more.
Reminds me of a cartoon I saw once. A woman is looking at a guy and saying "never been married, what's wrong with you? I've been married 3 times"
TomTurn, 50 in a few weeks and never been married.
That's a sad comment on life, Tom! I want to clarify, though, that I'm not assuming automatically that something is wrong--something could actually be very right! I'm just going to have a heightened awareness if a relationship of any kind begins to develop because of the things God has allowed to happen in my life in connection with older never-married guys. Please don't take my caution as meaning that I have anything against you!
besiderself...just turned 48 and single for 9.5 years
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Many wise words are spoken in jest, but they don’t compare with the number of stupid words spoken in earnest.
Shallbe's Batty Belfry
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RE: Single And Not Looking - 4/19/2008 10:50:18 AM
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Prairiehiker
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If a guy has no desire for marriage and has never had any desire, perhaps, he is one of those rare people that are called to be single.
There's also people who don't feel the need to marry or be in a relationship because they lead a full life, have a lot of friends, and have the que sera sera attitude. If it happens, it happens, if not, then not. They will eventually get to the point of wanting to be married, esp if all their friends did.
If a guy is purposely avoiding marriage and relationship then, I might be alarmed. He could be gay, a pedophile, have serious emotional issues, have a problem providing financially, extremely selfish, etc.
Would I be alarmed? If you're talkign about dating? NO, because there would be no possibility of it. Why would I date someone who's not interested in a relationship.
Just to add, I'm single and I'm around that age, and I'm looking but somehow, every man I know thinks I'm completely content being single and the impression they get is that I have no interest in men. Hmmm. I think when I'm around men I'm not interested in dating, I give that impression so that I don't give them the wrong idea. But if I find someone I'm attracted to and wanted to date, I hope I can give a different impression.
< Message edited by Prairiehiker -- 4/19/2008 10:57:03 AM >
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RE: Single And Not Looking - 4/19/2008 11:54:35 AM
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humbleinspirit
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quote:
Mike, what do you mean by red flag? If we are in a relationship, we're looking for those yellow and red flags, but if you're not looking for a relationship, then why worry about red flags?
Hi Michelle, I am saying that being single and almost 40 being an issue.
quote:
ORIGINAL: TomTurn
quote:
From my own experience, I would have to say that yes...for me and because of what I've been through and witnessed, I would definitely have my creep antenna up if I were around you and knew these facts.
That doesn't mean that I would immediately turn away from you as a possible relationship (if I were in your demographic) but I would watch you like a hawk.
I have had too many never-married guys turn out to be immature, selfish and even worse, perverts--so I don't naturally accept them at face value any more.
Reminds me of a cartoon I saw once. A woman is looking at a guy and saying "never been married, what's wrong with you? I've been married 3 times"
TomTurn, 50 in a few weeks and never been married.
Exactly!
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RE: Single And Not Looking - 4/19/2008 12:26:01 PM
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rgod
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It wouldn't raise a red flag for me because I'm somewhat in the same boat (36, no kids, never been married). I would think though, that if you were not looking for a relationship, that maybe you are called to be single or that you were taking a break to regroup.
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RE: Single And Not Looking - 4/19/2008 12:46:51 PM
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collie1
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I'm almost 49, and not sure how that happened.
I was married for almost 21 years, widowed, single again for almost 6 years, married again for 2 years and divorced now for a little over 2 years.
I have come to the conclusion that I am simply not good marriage material.
Being single your whole life could present challenges, especially if at your age you were to marry someone close to your age who has children. Going from being a single man to being a stepfather to children who probably resent you would not be easy. You are used to having things your way (not trying to be mean, but right now your decsions mainly affect you) and having children around changes that.
Even if children are not in the picture at all, I think being in a relationship would be a challenge for people (women included) in your age group because we as humans are selfish and tend to be set in our ways.
I married my second husband when he was almost 38 and never had been married, there were issues because of that, so maybe my opinion is a bit biased.
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RE: Single And Not Looking - 4/19/2008 12:48:54 PM
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humbleinspirit
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I agree Colleen, that is one of the reasons why I do not want to be in a relationship right now, because I like making my own decisions.
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RE: Single And Not Looking - 4/19/2008 3:02:04 PM
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TomTurn
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quote:
If a guy has no desire for marriage and has never had any desire, perhaps, he is one of those rare people that are called to be single.
And though the Church talks a big game about that and other aspects of singleness, when actually faced with the older never married, its reponse is much like some of the words we have seen here.
Would watch you like a hawk
Too many never-married guys turn out to be immature, selfish and even worse, perverts
He could be gay, a pedophile, have serious emotional issues, have a problem providing financially, extremely selfish.
Rarely taking into account that God's timing for that single may be a bit dfferent than the artificial age point for marriage the Church has created, or thinking that if God says when a "man finds a wife he finds a good thing", maybe they shoud join up with God on that and lay some area for the single who does desire marriage to operate in, regardless of age.
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RE: Single And Not Looking - 4/19/2008 3:12:22 PM
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ladioffaith
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I'm in the same boat, so no, it woudln't neceessarilly raise a red flag for me. He could be messed up, but he could also have been dealing with pressing family matters, a demanding career, a serious illness or just not have found the right person yet.
Sure, a woman may ask herself "Why is he still single" but a more pressing question, in my mind, is "Why is he not still married?" In other words, I'd be more concerned about a man who treated his wife poorly than one who had no wife at all.
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The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with
his love, he will rejoice over you with singing." Zeph. 3:17
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RE: Single And Not Looking - 4/19/2008 3:41:22 PM
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trainfan
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quote:
ORIGINAL: TomTurn
quote:
If a guy has no desire for marriage and has never had any desire, perhaps, he is one of those rare people that are called to be single.
And though the Church talks a big game about that and other aspects of singleness, when actually faced with the older never married, its reponse is much like some of the words we have seen here.
Would watch you like a hawk
Too many never-married guys turn out to be immature, selfish and even worse, perverts
He could be gay, a pedophile, have serious emotional issues, have a problem providing financially, extremely selfish.
Rarely taking into account that God's timing for that single may be a bit dfferent than the artificial age point for marriage the Church has created, or thinking that if God says when a "man finds a wife he finds a good thing", maybe they shoud join up with God on that and lay some area for the single who does desire marriage to operate in, regardless of age.
Excellent post Tom!
Those sort of comments make me wonder if the same things are said about never married single women. No actually I don't wonder if these comments are made about never married women.....I know typically they're not. Other things may be said about them but they're not called the things listed above. 
In many cases they are more accepting of a divorced guy than a never married one.
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RE: Single And Not Looking - 4/19/2008 3:44:32 PM
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WhiteRoseBlessings
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Mike, after thinking about your question for a couple of hours, I find that I vacillate between both sides of the issue.
I think it would depend on the individual person and my initial instinctual response from being around the person.
If I did sense any red flags, I would keep that person at arm's length.
If I didn't sense any red flags, I would proceed as normal until (and if) I did sense things that didn't set right with me.
However, "proceeding as normal" doesn't, for me, mean to get to know a person with the intent of hooking up with him.
"Proceeding as normal," for me, means that I wouldn't intentionally keep the person at arm's length.
However, I'm not a "looking for a boyfriend / hubby" type of person; never really have been . . . so all this just might be a moot point with me anyway.
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RE: Single And Not Looking - 4/19/2008 8:54:13 PM
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WaitingforBoaz
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quote:
ORIGINAL: trainfan
quote:
ORIGINAL: TomTurn
quote:
If a guy has no desire for marriage and has never had any desire, perhaps, he is one of those rare people that are called to be single.
And though the Church talks a big game about that and other aspects of singleness, when actually faced with the older never married, its reponse is much like some of the words we have seen here.
Would watch you like a hawk
Too many never-married guys turn out to be immature, selfish and even worse, perverts
He could be gay, a pedophile, have serious emotional issues, have a problem providing financially, extremely selfish.
Rarely taking into account that God's timing for that single may be a bit dfferent than the artificial age point for marriage the Church has created, or thinking that if God says when a "man finds a wife he finds a good thing", maybe they shoud join up with God on that and lay some area for the single who does desire marriage to operate in, regardless of age.
Excellent post Tom!
Those sort of comments make me wonder if the same things are said about never married single women. No actually I don't wonder if these comments are made about never married women.....I know typically they're not. Other things may be said about them but they're not called the things listed above.
In many cases they are more accepting of a divorced guy than a never married one.
Because it is the man that does the asking, many would assume that a woman, who has never been married has never been asked. Therefore she is single through no choice/fault of her own.
A man on the other hand is the asker and many would assume that he is not married because he never asked, which would lead one to wonder why. KWIM.
I do not make assumptions on this subject. Each individual is different. But I do wonder. My brother is 33 and never married, I have often wondered why.
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"It's like every thing good collided today" quote from my 8yr old daughter
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RE: Single And Not Looking - 4/19/2008 9:02:25 PM
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TomTurn
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Saw on the internet today while reading the news
"Being single in this society is still the greatest of social stigmas—despite how many zeroes are at the end of our paychecks or initials after our name. Society still perceives singleness as a personal failure and sends us this classic mixed message that while we should flourish in our careers and embrace our independence, we’re still a failure if we’re single."
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RE: Single And Not Looking - 4/19/2008 9:27:17 PM
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Dakotasunbeam
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Nah, I wouldn't. I'd think you were like Paul. Paul was one of the greatest successes in the Bible and he never married. What matters is that God sees you as a success.
Honestly, if a christian guy wanted to be single for all eternity, he would have NO problem from me. I'd think He was dedicating himself to the Lords work, or decided not to be so unencumbered--or as Paul said, has a lot of "strength."
More power to you! 
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RE: Single And Not Looking - 4/19/2008 9:33:32 PM
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humbleinspirit
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Thanks!
quote:
A man on the other hand is the asker and many would assume that he is not married because he never asked, which would lead one to wonder why. KWIM.
I do not make assumptions on this subject. Each individual is different. But I do wonder. My brother is 33 and never married, I have often wondered why.
But what if the man didn't want to be married because he wanted to work out some personal stuff in his life instead? What if he didn't want a girlfriend because he didn't want to be dating "miss right now" as opposed to a seriously minded relationship instead?
The Apostle Paul was single, and encouraged others to be single as well, unless they "burned with passion". But anyway, just saying is all. I do believe that marriage is a good thing, but being single opens up many more opportunities to serve the Lord as well. 
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RE: Single And Not Looking - 4/19/2008 9:41:32 PM
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Dakotasunbeam
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But what if the man didn't want to be married because he wanted to work out some personal stuff in his life instead? He's working to become a better man with the help of the Lord. That seems sincere to me that he wants to be godly and righteous. I cannot find a problem with that. What a great model of a Christian to strive to imitate!
What if he didn't want a girlfriend because he didn't want to be dating "miss right now" as opposed to a seriously minded relationship instead?
Again, very noble pursuit indeed! He's evaluated the situation, and found a suitable course of action that protects him from compromise and temptation and will enhance the relationship with Ms. Right, should he find her. I can respect that.
Smart man! 
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RE: Single And Not Looking - 4/19/2008 9:49:16 PM
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humbleinspirit
Posts: 14532
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From: Just Outside of Boston
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quote:
ORIGINAL: followtheLeader
quote:
ORIGINAL: humbleinspirit
Thanks!
quote:
A man on the other hand is the asker and many would assume that he is not married because he never asked, which would lead one to wonder why. KWIM.
I do not make assumptions on this subject. Each individual is different. But I do wonder. My brother is 33 and never married, I have often wondered why.
But what if the man didn't want to be married because he wanted to work out some personal stuff in his life instead? What if he didn't want a girlfriend because he didn't want to be dating "miss right now" as opposed to a seriously minded relationship instead?
I think you may misunderstand me Humble....see bolded above. Life is way too complicated to make generalizations. I may wonder why someone is single, but that is as far as it goes.
quote:
The Apostle Paul was single, and encouraged others to be single as well, unless they "burned with passion". But anyway, just saying is all. I do believe that marriage is a good thing, but being single opens up many more opportunities to serve the Lord as well.
I'm sure that in many cases this is true.
OK Esther, I just miss understood, thanks for your clarification!
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RE: Single And Not Looking - 4/19/2008 9:50:30 PM
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humbleinspirit
Posts: 14532
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From: Just Outside of Boston
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quote:
ORIGINAL: WhiteRoseBlessings
quote:
ORIGINAL: humbleinspirit
Thanks!
quote:
A man on the other hand is the asker and many would assume that he is not married because he never asked, which would lead one to wonder why. KWIM.
I do not make assumptions on this subject. Each individual is different. But I do wonder. My brother is 33 and never married, I have often wondered why.
But what if the man didn't want to be married because he wanted to work out some personal stuff in his life instead? What if he didn't want a girlfriend because he didn't want to be dating "miss right now" as opposed to a seriously minded relationship instead?
The Apostle Paul was single, and encouraged others to be single as well, unless they "burned with passion". But anyway, just saying is all. I do believe that marriage is a good thing, but being single opens up many more opportunities to serve the Lord as well.
Very good post, Mike!
Thank you Sharon-Marie as well! 
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