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Heart is Breaking - 6/29/2009 2:02:28 AM
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monicaleap
Posts: 20
Joined: 6/27/2008
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My kids are 17, 12 & 11 (Girl-Boy-Girl). We've raised them in a Christian home their whole lives. We're far from perfect parents but we believe we've given them a good home life. I have a wonderful relationship with my husband and we just celebrated our 25th anniversary. The reason my heart is breaking is because I can't seem to get out of the frame of mind where I'm focused on how sweet my kids were when they were young - how much they needed and adored me. I know it sounds selfish. I know we train kids up to someday be on their own. But my 17 year old and 12 year old seem to hate me. They don't want me around, they're embarrased by my very existance. I can't even say 'how was your day?" without a short "fine" and then they'll go on and on to someone else. I know how I must sound and I know in my head all the answers to this dillema. I just don't know how to teach it to my heart. They were so sweet and never wanted to be apart from me. It just hurts. I find myself clinging to my 11 year old because she still wants to do things with me. I seem kind of desperate and pathetic and I know she'll change soon, too. So I'm only biding my time. I've obviously put too much of my emotional baggage into my kids and didn't concentrate enough on hobbies for myself. But how do I get myself out of this cycle? I'm literally crying every day, looking at old photos - I really am a pathetic mess....
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RE: Heart is Breaking - 6/29/2009 2:14:14 AM
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ANewDayDawns714
Posts: 8
Joined: 2/28/2006
From: Florida
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quote:
ORIGINAL: monicaleap
I know how I must sound and I know in my head all the answers to this dillema. I just don't know how to teach it to my heart.....But how do I get myself out of this cycle? I'm literally crying every day, looking at old photos - I really am a pathetic mess....
Sister,
You stated that you know the truth, but sometimes our emotions need to catch up. dang! sometimes that's the hardest!!! Your kids sound like they are acting like "normal", healthy teenagers. And you are grieving as you let go and enter a new season of your life, which is also "normal" and necessary.
I have found that in my life there are certain times that i really DO need to be in community with others who have gone there before. For comfort, for wisdom. Sometimes this comes through a church ministry, sometimes it has come in the form of a professional faith-based counselor. God is with you, do not be discouraged!
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RE: Heart is Breaking - 6/29/2009 2:21:16 AM
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ForgivenGrace
Posts: 8478
Joined: 5/11/2005
From: Wherever God plants me.
Status: online
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Your children sound exactly like me when I was a teenager. Now that I am 34 I do talk to my mother. However first she had to let me go before I could come back.
_____________________________
You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose.
~Dr. Seuss
Formally known as saraimay75
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RE: Heart is Breaking - 6/29/2009 3:15:57 PM
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Leslie_JnJs_mom
Posts: 188
Joined: 9/6/2007
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Some teenagers are like that but some stay close to their parents. Mine is very independent and would love to move out right now but I have friends who have kids that love to talk to their parents every day. So your 11 year old may just be the type of kid that loves doing things with you just as much when they are 16.
_____________________________
Reckless words pierce like a sword but a wise tongue brings healing.
Proverbs 12:18
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RE: Heart is Breaking - 6/29/2009 5:44:53 PM
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OneOfHisJewels
Posts: 2632
Joined: 8/9/2007
From: out of the everywhere into here
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I'm not a parent, but I can relate to how you feel to some extent..I am an aunt to three children (13 yo, 7yo, and 6 month old). The 13yo and 7yo are siblings, and the 6month old is their cousin.
When the 13 yo was little, I was the cat's meow to that little person. We read together, played games together, played together, took walks together..when that child was little, that child's mother was working, and I was too sick to work, so I did a lot of that child's caretaking, and we really bonded. But that child's mother did stay home after a bit, and of course I had to return to the workforce as my health allowed. That child wanted to be by me all the time, and I thought the world of that child....
but now, that child is interested in sports, friends, etc...and other than basic courtesy, not much interested in Aunt Rebekah at all anymore.  ........BUT that's life....that's the age....and I braced myself for this all along, which helps. And the 7 yo and 6 month old still think I'm the cat's meow.  So, I have a few yrs. left with them.
It sounds like you're kind of going through withdrawal...maybe you could teach a pre school Sunday School class or do some babysitting or something to get your kid fix.
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RE: Heart is Breaking - 6/30/2009 5:11:01 PM
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W.O.F.
Posts: 2062
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: an ignoble beginning
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hmmm...as a mom of similarly aged kids, and having been a teen myself once upon a time.....
first of all....stop thinking about how sweet they used to be....and find one good thing a day about them NOW...and tell them about it. My mom was always doing the "when you were younger....." and that drove me pretty far away. " WHO cares about when I was younger....am I not good enough now ?" was what those kind of things made me think/feel.
second of all...pray. pray. PRAY...for each child...and for yourself. As a mom...I can say...we NEVER know all of it or the best way to handle it...and as soon as we do...someone changes the rules!
Find some activities that have nothing to do with any of your children...that are just for you. You say that you are clinging desperately to your youngest....and assume she will change too.....that leads me to ask? Were you "clingy" to the other two? are they acting this way to get space?
My mom used to try to be part of the group whenever I would have friends over. I don't mean play a couple of games or hang out with us in the living room...I mean tried to be ONE of us. My friends were okay with it, but I needed space where I could be me, not just my mom's daughter.....I am not saying this is what you have done...but perhaps?
I would also suggest finding out what your older two are interested in...even if you have to find out from someone else....and then find an event/etc that is along those lines...and take one of them by themself with you to that thing.....or take them out, one at a time, for a coke. YOU start talking...tell them that you know that you embarrass them (even if you don't deserve for them to be embarrassed by you) and that you know how hard it is to try to find out where a person fits in life, but that you love them and you are proud of them..and that you really enjoy (fill in positive thing from above) about them. Then ask them flat out..."what do you like, etc?"
Even in the best of relationships...asking how was your day, etc is really NOT a good conversation starter. Get specific...and keep at it until they talk....but also remember to give them room. Let them know that WHEN they want to....you are there for them....and again...point out how proud you are that they (fill in positive aspect) here.
and start doing these things with 11 year old now...and make sure to give her her space NOW...before she has to demand it.
And be quite aware that when I say give them their space...I don't mean let them do whatever....I just mean let them have time that is theirs alone to think, pray, etc.
_____________________________
Live your life in such a way that when your feet hit the floor in the morning, Satan shudders and says, "Oh no, she's awake."
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RE: Heart is Breaking - 6/30/2009 5:19:57 PM
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Corne
Posts: 1818
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Not only do your kids have hormone issues, but women start having hormone transition issues at this time too. It makes for a tricky hormone soup when you put it all together.
It's a difficult season sometimes but you can find the golden moments and survival strategies and come through alive and well.
DO enjoy who your kids are and who they are becoming. The memories of childhoods are sweet and to be remembered, but you must not miss today by thinking of yesterday.
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RE: Heart is Breaking - 6/30/2009 11:53:12 PM
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Leslie_JnJs_mom
Posts: 188
Joined: 9/6/2007
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My son and I have a pretty good relationship yet he still very much wants his space. Now and then when I go into his room to tell him something he will ask me where I am going when I head out. I tell him what I am off to do then he says something like why dont you stay and talk to me. It is not every day or even every week but it does happen now and then.
_____________________________
Reckless words pierce like a sword but a wise tongue brings healing.
Proverbs 12:18
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RE: Heart is Breaking - 7/1/2009 12:04:34 PM
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kohls356
Posts: 685
Joined: 8/22/2007
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Your kids don't hate you, they are just starting to want some independance. My girls are 19, 16, and 14. Just look at this way when it seems like your youngest is started to pull away from you your oldest will be about the age that she will start coming back around to you. It will be different but they do come back.
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RE: Heart is Breaking - 7/1/2009 4:38:36 PM
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hillbillywoman
Posts: 56
Joined: 4/12/2005
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I went through this with my own daughter when she was between the ages of 12 and 19. She is now 25 and completely different. We are closer now than ever before. She looks to me for advice now, especially since she is herself, a new mom. My middle child and my youngest child (sons, now ages 22 and 18) did not cause me any grief growing up. I guess it all depends on the child's personality. However, if you have been a loving parent, as I believe you have been, then you can rest assured that your kids will one day appreciate you and become close to you again.
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When momma ain't happy, ain't NOBODY happy!
( author ? )
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RE: Heart is Breaking - 7/3/2009 1:16:14 PM
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NotDoneYet
Posts: 390
Joined: 12/11/2007
From: Virginia
Status: online
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quote:
ORIGINAL: monicaleap
My kids are 17, 12 & 11 (Girl-Boy-Girl). We've raised them in a Christian home their whole lives. We're far from perfect parents but we believe we've given them a good home life. I have a wonderful relationship with my husband and we just celebrated our 25th anniversary. The reason my heart is breaking is because I can't seem to get out of the frame of mind where I'm focused on how sweet my kids were when they were young - how much they needed and adored me. I know it sounds selfish. I know we train kids up to someday be on their own. But my 17 year old and 12 year old seem to hate me. They don't want me around, they're embarrased by my very existance. I can't even say 'how was your day?" without a short "fine" and then they'll go on and on to someone else. I know how I must sound and I know in my head all the answers to this dillema. I just don't know how to teach it to my heart. They were so sweet and never wanted to be apart from me. It just hurts. I find myself clinging to my 11 year old because she still wants to do things with me. I seem kind of desperate and pathetic and I know she'll change soon, too. So I'm only biding my time. I've obviously put too much of my emotional baggage into my kids and didn't concentrate enough on hobbies for myself. But how do I get myself out of this cycle? I'm literally crying every day, looking at old photos - I really am a pathetic mess....
The 17 year old...oh yeah...they want to be independent...the 12 year old is starting that wonderful phase called "teenager". At that time they're more focused on friends than mom and dad. Don't take it personally. They eventually turn back into nice people.
It's not that you've put your "emotional baggage" on them, they're growing up. Time for mom to learn to let go. It's tough. My "big" kids are 26, 22 and 19. A good friend of mine once imparted the best piece of parenting wisdom I have ever heard...you have to give them both roots and wings. Your older kids are starting to test their wings. Let them go!
Too many times, us moms invest all our time and energy into our children, not realizing that at some point they're not going to need us like they did as babies and small children. Our identities become all tied up in that role. Now is the time for YOU to start looking towards the future and that "empty nest".
My heart goes out to you...teens are tough!
_____________________________
Remember, normal is just a setting on the dryer!
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RE: Heart is Breaking - 7/3/2009 2:47:33 PM
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sen10tious
Posts: 218
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Southern US
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The truth is that your kids still need you to be their mom just as much as they did ten years ago. But.. they need a mom who has grown up ten-years worth! Because they certainly grew up ten-years worth!
No surprise to me that your older two are acting embarrassed by your very existence-- Their mommy wishes that they were still babies who adored her! How embarrassing! And worse, she is desperate and clingy and calling herself pathetic!
I don't think concentrating on hobbies is your best answer though. That might substitute what you do with your time to your advantage, but it separates you even further from having a relationship with your kids. And they do need you to be supportive of their goals and their dreams in a way that's completely different from when they were small.
To break the cycle you are in, you are going to have to see the wonders of their potential they way God does. If you thought you were being selfless by staying agreeable back in the days of 3 A.M. feedings and potty training mistakes, you ain't done squat yet, honey. The Jesus in you now has to be like the Jesus in Matthew 12:20 -- A bruised reed He will not break, And a dimly burning wick He will not extinguish. (Teens are reedy and dim by adult standards.)
It takes a lot of mature spiritual sensitivity to parent a teen. You have got to move from their leader to their supporter. (Somewhere in between is the "coach" position.) Hopefully you have trained them to let the Holy Spirit lead them because it is a lot easier to support them when that is the case!
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P.S. If your kids are truly embarassed by you, I don't want to leave the impression from above that it would be solely and entirely your fault because you act like you wish they were still babies. Most kids can take a little of that and are able to see the love underneath it. Usually there are several contributing causes, and a common one is having immature friends; which sort of goes with the "Well, duh, they're teens" thing.
_____________________________
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RE: Heart is Breaking - 7/3/2009 5:25:34 PM
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NotDoneYet
Posts: 390
Joined: 12/11/2007
From: Virginia
Status: online
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quote:
ORIGINAL: sen10tious
The truth is that your kids still need you to be their mom just as much as they did ten years ago. But.. they need a mom who has grown up ten-years worth! Because they certainly grew up ten-years worth!
No surprise to me that your older two are acting embarrassed by your very existence-- Their mommy wishes that they were still babies who adored her! How embarrassing! And worse, she is desperate and clingy and calling herself pathetic!
I don't think concentrating on hobbies is your best answer though. That might substitute what you do with your time to your advantage, but it separates you even further from having a relationship with your kids. And they do need you to be supportive of their goals and their dreams in a way that's completely different from when they were small.
To break the cycle you are in, you are going to have to see the wonders of their potential they way God does. If you thought you were being selfless by staying agreeable back in the days of 3 A.M. feedings and potty training mistakes, you ain't done squat yet, honey. The Jesus in you now has to be like the Jesus in Matthew 12:20 -- A bruised reed He will not break, And a dimly burning wick He will not extinguish. (Teens are reedy and dim by adult standards.)
It takes a lot of mature spiritual sensitivity to parent a teen. You have got to move from their leader to their supporter. (Somewhere in between is the "coach" position.) Hopefully you have trained them to let the Holy Spirit lead them because it is a lot easier to support them when that is the case!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
P.S. If your kids are truly embarassed by you, I don't want to leave the impression from above that it would be solely and entirely your fault because you act like you wish they were still babies. Most kids can take a little of that and are able to see the love underneath it. Usually there are several contributing causes, and a common one is having immature friends; which sort of goes with the "Well, duh, they're teens" thing.
BRAVO!!!!!
_____________________________
Remember, normal is just a setting on the dryer!
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RE: Heart is Breaking - 7/7/2009 9:58:41 PM
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Hey_mom
Posts: 64
Joined: 5/2/2009
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Boy do I know where you are coming from!!! i have 2 sons, one is 18 and will be leaving for college in just over a month. The other is 15 and has been pushing me away and getting into power struggles for 4 years now. It breaks my heart that we have a terrible relationship right now, it is his choice, and I have prayed my heart out to God that we will have a change in the right direction.
I think I have been too focused on my kids, I wanted to be a mom and nothing else, and that's good when they are young, but you do have to be separate from them as well. Now I wish I'd had at least a part-time job. I think they also take me for granted because I've always been here for them. I lost my own mom when I was 10, and had to raise myself in many ways, so I wanted to be the mom i never had. My older son appreciates me but the younger one does not.
You also have to "train them up in the way they should go" so they can go out the door! Which means that they need to be more and more responsible for chores, running the house, etc. cooking, laundry, all of it. We are their coaches when they are teens, they don't need us to mommy them any more. It's hard to let go of something we've loved being - the best job I ever had, but I'm being laid off! Where's my bailout plan??
All I ever wanted to be was a mom, and they were the best years of my life, but now is a new phase. Grieve for all the time that is gone, but look ahead to new phases of love and experiences, new horizons for all of you. Remember the sweet times, you haven't lost them, they were real, but children grow up, and sometimes the more they love you, the harder they have to push you away and find their way in the world.
((((BIG HUGS))))) Wish we could meet for coffee, we'd cry on each other's shoulders! And then smile, and go shopping or something...
_____________________________
"For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
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RE: Heart is Breaking - 7/7/2009 11:45:42 PM
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cynthia
Posts: 7416
Joined: 3/31/2005
From: Beautiful Puget Sound Region
Status: online
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quote:
ORIGINAL: ANewDayDawns714
Sister,
You stated that you know the truth, but sometimes our emotions need to catch up. dang! sometimes that's the hardest!!! Your kids sound like they are acting like "normal", healthy teenagers. And you are grieving as you let go and enter a new season of your life, which is also "normal" and necessary.
I do not think this is normal, healthy teen behavior at all. My relationships with my children have certainly changed as they have gotten older and matured, but they have not in any way gotten worse or more difficult. In a lot of ways they have gotten better. They are more mature and self controlled as they have grown. Each of them have also matured in their faith, which makes a huge difference in their attitudes and behaviors.
What you are describing sounds like bad attitudes. Bad attitudes are sinful. I would deal with it from that perspective, but not necessarily punitively. If they don’t learn to deal with it now, it will be a lot more difficult when they are on their own. They need instruction on how to overcome bad attitudes.
My eldest daughter is 15. She has a hard time between 12-14, but is now through that stage and doing fine. During the 12-14 stage there were a lot of hormonal issues and also that cognitive leap that kids take during that time. My second child is now at that stage. She turned twelve in December and is full into that hormonal and cognitive change. I told both my girls that same thing: “This is the beginning of a difficult time for you, but I’ve got your back. I am here for you to help you through this. During this time you will go from the knowledge stage of learning information to the understanding stage of knowing what it means. You will often have epiphanies where something will become clear to you. You are welcome to share these with me and your dad, as we also had those same epiphanies when we were your age, a long time ago. We already know these things that will be new and fresh to you, as we went through this stage over 30 years ago. It’s really cool and we want to share it with you. One thing you need to know is that when you have these epiphanies you should remember that your dad and I already know this stuff. It is normal and good for you to go through this stage, but I want you to understand that’s what it is; a stage where you gain understanding.”
I also explained hormones and how they can affect one’s mood. My girls come to me when they are having hormonal issues and we work through it together.
My eldest is now through that stage and doing very well. She and I have a great relationship. She comes to me for advice on many different issues, but more as a way to work through issues and develop a plan rather than for specific direction of exactly what to do, although she sometimes needs that still. It’s a lot different than when she was ten or younger though. It’s fun. She is turning into a beautiful young woman both inside and out.
My twelve year old is about a year into this stage. She is doing really well. Of course there are problems and attitudes to work through, but at this age, they also need a ton of patience and encouragement, especially when they flare up!
From what I have learned, the key is to work through these things together. Enjoy the new stage your child is in, but do not be afraid to remind them that you have already been through it. I will not tolerate disrespect from my kids and would not put up with them being embarrassed by me. That is an attitude issue and it is sin. I agree with the others who said that if you are treating them like little children or expecting them to remain like little children that could cause them to be embarrassed, but that is something to work through together. My approach to parenting is to work together and get issues resolved. I am close to all three of my children; 15, 12 and 9.
Give them room to breathe and grow as individuals, but teach them that as a family you are to work together in mutual love and respect, not as self centered individuals snubbing their own family. This is an issue that really needs to be resolved. It is normal for teenagers to grow away from their parents towards autonomy, but that should never include disrespect. Dishonoring one’s parents is a very serious issue that needs attention.
Let go of the past and work on resolving the issues that have led to this difficult relationship you have with your two older children and making sure it doesn’t happen with #3. This doesn’t mean going back to when they were little, but developing a new relationship taking into account their growth and maturity.
_____________________________
Often times the battle is the worst right before a breakthrough. In order to get us to give up, the devil wants us to think we are losing, when in fact we need to fight on to victory.
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RE: Heart is Breaking - 7/8/2009 12:10:52 AM
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IwillseekHim
Posts: 2327
Joined: 5/17/2009
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cynthia, I hear what youre saying. However, if your eldest is only 15, then I think her hormone issues have barely begun much less be over. I hope that it continues well for you, but this sounds like a separate issue. Some kids go thru a phase where they are embarrassed by their parents, heck mine's embarrassed by my car, too... To say it is not normal is stretching it, I think. I remember very clearly being embarrassed growing up with my mother. She was 41 when she had me, so she was far more older than most of my peer's parents. I got embarrassed several times throughout my life. "Most" people would say I turned out ok., though.
And for the original poster, hang in there. Life has a way of making a complete circle. My mother is gone now, but boy would I love to see her again. I bet I wouldnt be so embarrassed anymore.
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RE: Heart is Breaking - 7/8/2009 12:42:55 AM
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cynthia
Posts: 7416
Joined: 3/31/2005
From: Beautiful Puget Sound Region
Status: online
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IwillseekHim, Hormonal issues last for a long time. Getting a handle on dealing with it and not letting it overtake one is what I am talking about. I do not think it is a separate issue at all. This is a stage of cognitive and physical development. How a parent handles it from the beginning makes all the difference in how the child and the family will get through it. Maybe it is normal in today's culture here in America for kids to go through a stage of disrespect and embarrassment over their parents, but it should not be normal. Disrespect, dishonor and unkindness are sin. Sin is normal, but it ought to be dealt with appropriately and not tolerated. As parents, we are to be instructing our children in righteousness and teaching them how to cope with the emotions and difficulties that come with life. If they cannot deal with them as children and teenagers, they will have to learn it as adults. It is a parent’s job to teach it before the child leaves home. Putting up with a child treating a parent with disrespect and dishonor by putting it off as normal is shirking one’s parental responsibility to train up a child in righteousness.
My oldest is only 15, but she has gone through that stage and is over it. She has leveled out and is doing great. This has lasted now for almost a year where she is much more calm and under control. I have seen other parents who deal with this in a similar way and their children do not go through the rebellion and disrespect either.
_____________________________
Often times the battle is the worst right before a breakthrough. In order to get us to give up, the devil wants us to think we are losing, when in fact we need to fight on to victory.
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RE: Heart is Breaking - 7/8/2009 4:18:36 AM
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keithyhuntington
Posts: 941
Joined: 7/7/2009
From: Tulsa, Okla.
Status: offline
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i'm not a parent... but being sorta raised in the info-generation... my parent swould both communicate with me on AOL instnt messenger when i was in high school, after high school, my mom writes me on myspace and leaves comments on that and stuff... both my parents read my blogs and knew what was going on when i was troubled, they'd drop a comment and tell me how to handle it. it was cool, to me.
what i'm saying is send yoru kids texts, or IM them on teh computer or something. sometimes its WAY easier to talk to parents trhough a screen than face to face. it was for me anyway.
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Not all situations call for an "edifying responce," and thats where i come in. :D
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RE: Heart is Breaking - 7/8/2009 9:39:03 AM
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SAL67
Posts: 2
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I agree with cynthia, that the root of disrespect is sin, and parents should not act as if disrespect to them is okay and normal. We need to model bounderies to our kids, and part of that is saying, "I will not be talked to that way. Come back to me when you can talk in a respectful manner." However, I also think that how we act as parents can make things worse during the teenage years. We invest so much into our kids, it's hard to let them go emotionally, but we need to for our sakes as well as theirs. Humor helps a lot at this stage. I remember reading this years ago, and it's helped me now with my 13 yo daughter.
Children As Pets - The Cat Years
I just realized that while children are dogs - loyal and affectionate - teenagers are cats.
It's so easy to be a dog owner. You feed it, train it, boss it around. It puts its head on your knee and gazes at you as if you were a Rembrandt painting. It bounds indoors with enthusiasm when you call it. Then around age 13, your adoring little puppy turns into a big old cat. When you tell it to come inside, it looks amazed, as if wondering who died and made you emperor. Instead of dogging your doorsteps, it disappears. You won't see it again until it gets hungry - then it pauses on its sprint through the kitchen long enough to turn its nose up at whatever you're serving. When you reach out to ruffle its head, in that old affectionate gesture, it twists away from you, then gives you a blank stare, as if trying to remember where it has seen you before. You, not realizing that the dog is now a cat, think something must be desperately wrong with it. It seems so antisocial, so distant, sort of depressed. It won't go on family outings. Since you're the one who raised it, taught it to fetch and stay and sit on command, you assume that you did something wrong. Flooded with guilt and fear, you redouble your efforts to make your pet behave. Only now you're dealing with a cat, so everything that worked before now produces the opposite of the desired result. Call it, and it runs away. Tell it to sit, and it jumps on the counter. The more you go toward it, wringing your hands, the more it moves away.
Instead of continuing to act like a dog owner, you can learn to behave like a cat owner. Put a dish of food near the door, and let it come to you. But remember that a cat needs your help and your affection too. Sit still, and it will come, seeking that warm, comforting lap it has not entirely forgotten. Be there to open the door for it.
One day your grown-up child will walk into the kitchen, give you a big kiss and say, "You've been on your feet all day. Le me get those dishes for you."
Then you'll realize your cat is a dog again.
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RE: Heart is Breaking - 7/8/2009 11:14:36 AM
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cynthia
Posts: 7416
Joined: 3/31/2005
From: Beautiful Puget Sound Region
Status: online
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SAL67, That made me laugh. There is a lot of truth in that.
_____________________________
Often times the battle is the worst right before a breakthrough. In order to get us to give up, the devil wants us to think we are losing, when in fact we need to fight on to victory.
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RE: Heart is Breaking - 7/8/2009 1:12:20 PM
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cynthia
Posts: 7416
Joined: 3/31/2005
From: Beautiful Puget Sound Region
Status: online
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Not tolerating disrespect does not mean to take a punitive approach. It is usually better to take a relational approach and to work through whatever is causing that attitude problem. It also means being available to the child and putting yourself aside to meet their needs. An example is what kohls356 is talking about. When my child comes to me in the evening, I need to be available. Children can be inconvenient if we think of it that way, but if we realize that putting aside what we are doing to listen will bless them and us, then it’s not inconvenient, but a blessing instead. Of course there are limits. Our family has a routine that we follow and we need to stick to that within reason.
My 15yo will often go all day with something on her mind, then suddenly when I’m ready to go to bed she wants to talk and talk and talk, like it’s a slumber party or something. It got to the point where I asked her to please try to talk to me around 8:00 rather than after she is supposed to be in bed. So now she will come to me in the living room, where I am usually sitting in my chair at 8:00 in the evening. She will lay her head in my lap and get close to me for a while, then she starts to spill whatever is on her heart. Sometimes we will go into my room and sit on my bed so she can talk to me without the rest of the family hearing everything she wants to discuss.
When she comes to me at 8:00, I am usually reading or on the computer. I have to stop what I am doing and let it go to give my full attention to her. She is what is most important and it is necessary that she knows that by my actions. I am modeling attitude and behavior to her. Our family comes first and if we want our children to put the family first, we have to make them our priority.
Sometimes I will have a line up of people waiting to talk to me. They see that I am available and they come to me. We all need attention and affirmation. When I want to talk to my husband, I want him to put down what he is doing and give me his attention. I want the same from my children. That is the respectful thing to do. If this is what I want from my children I must model it to them by treating them the same way and expecting it from them as well. It is a two way street.
_____________________________
Often times the battle is the worst right before a breakthrough. In order to get us to give up, the devil wants us to think we are losing, when in fact we need to fight on to victory.
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RE: Heart is Breaking - 7/8/2009 1:50:20 PM
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SAL67
Posts: 2
Joined: 8/9/2005
Status: offline
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Great advice, cynthia. I hope I have the relationship with my kids as teens that you have with your daughter. I never would have laid my head on my mom's lap when I was 15. You obviously have fostered a great relationship with her!
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RE: Heart is Breaking - 7/8/2009 3:30:28 PM
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SurpassingPeace
Posts: 1457
Joined: 11/21/2007
Status: offline
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Cynthia, your approach with it as a relational problem is right on.
I do agree that disrespect should not be tolerated but I also think that respect goes two ways. A parent that is openly and vociferously longing for the days a teen was a toddler and adored her is embarrassing. Wanting lots of physical affection in public can be embarrassing as well. I think that parents need to respect that their relationship is changing into something that looks completely different.
My husband's mother still wants to hang all over him and waxes on and on about when he was two and wouldn't leave her side. It is so much that I don't think she sees the amazing grown man standing in front of her. She is so emotionally committed to when he was a baby that she doesn't really have a relationship with him today. She is the same way with her teenage grandkids and they really pull away from her.
SAL67, your analogy was not only hilarious but it is really accurate.
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I now have a very good relationship with both my parents. It helps that they are supremely gracious and forgiving people and didn't hold my 6-year-long bad attitude against me. 
